What to Do When You're Stuck in a Cycle of Bad Communication
Marriage
Audio By Carbonatix
By Jennifer Waddle, Crosswalk.com
What causes couples to get stuck in cycles of bad communication? Is it busyness, distraction, or other disruptive habits?
Author Jill Savage says, “Reckless, rushed, or thoughtless communication allows criticism, defensiveness, and even contempt to creep into your heart and slowly steal the closeness you and your spouse had at the beginning of your marriage.”
Her words adequately describe the destructive communication cycles many couples find themselves in. However, with a little help and determination, you can break the cycle and form new, healthy ways of communicating. Here’s how.
Make Space for Communication
When was the last time you scheduled an appointment to communicate with your spouse, making space for honest discussion? It is of top importance to take time away from work, kids, and responsibilities when trying to break the cycle of bad communication. Consider a weekend getaway to:
-Reset your frame of mind
-Reconnect as a couple
-Rekindle romance
-Reengage in uninterrupted conversation
If your marriage is really struggling, you might opt for a marriage intensive such as Hope Restored, which is offered in several locations throughout the U.S. As described on their website, “When communication breaks down and connection feels impossible, Hope Restored offers more than traditional counseling. It’s a focused, faith-based intensive designed to bring real change in just a few days.”
In the article, How to Save a Coasting Marriage, Dr. David B. Hawkins writes, “Progress is begun one small step at a time. Make the decision today that you will no longer accept distance and mediocrity in your marriage. Honestly facing the prospect that your marriage is in danger, set your course for positive change. With the right help, you can do it. You can have the marriage you once had and enjoy the vibrancy you were intended to have in marriage.”
This week, block out some dates on the calendar to make space for communication. Do whatever it takes to restore unity in your marriage and create margin for healthy discussions.
Borrow Tips from Others
When communication barriers seem un-navigable, try borrowing tips from others who’ve gone before you. Meet with an older couple in your church who can offer wisdom and insight. Find books, podcasts, or articles that can help guide you out of negative cycles and help you communicate effectively.
In the book, Now You're Speaking My Language: Honest Communication and Deeper Intimacy for a Stronger Marriage, Gary Chapman writes, “Communication is not like an event we attend, and then it is over. Communication is more like the process of breathing; without it, we do not continue.”
Just as inhaling and exhaling happen naturally, healthy communication should be a natural and vital occurrence in marriage. Without it, the “oxygen” will eventually run out, and your relationship will begin to feel suffocating.
Borrowing tips from others can help breathe new life into your marriage. The Scriptures, especially, will shed light on your situation and offer wisdom from the Creator Himself. Here are a few key verses to remember:
“Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’” And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.” (Matthew 19:4-6 NLT)
“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” (Romans 12:9-10)
“However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” (Ephesians 5:33)
Tap into the wealth of resources available and find what works for your marriage. Keep investing in your relationship until the cycle of bad communication is stopped. Here are a few unique resources to consider:
You Can Improve the Communication in Your Marriage (Free Video Series)
The 5 Love Languages® Card Game
Pray Conversationally
One powerful way to break an unhealthy cycle is to pray conversationally. When approached with openness and honesty, this can be extremely effective in breaking down walls. The main goal is to seek God first, asking for wisdom and guidance. Then, as you converse openly without judgment, you’ll gain better insight into your spouse’s needs.
Keep in mind, this doesn’t need to be a formal exercise that puts pressure on your spouse. There are no rules to follow; it’s simply coming together with willing hearts to petition the Lord and hear from Him. If you’ve never prayed conversationally before, here are a few things you might want to include:
-Aligning yourselves with God and His Word
-Praying against the enemy’s lies
-Addressing forgiveness and genuinely forgiving one another if needed
-Asking God for truth and seeking wisdom from the Scriptures
Resist the urge to control the trajectory of conversational prayer; instead, let the Holy Spirit lead. Allow space for thoughtful pauses and room to hear from God.
Precede your prayer time with powerful verses such as, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:29-32)
In the post, 10 Tips for Praying as a Couple, Janet Thompson shares these helpful points:
-Start with short prayers until you get used to praying together.
-Write down things you want to remember to pray about. It’s okay to pray with your eyes open so you can look at your notes.
-Hold hands or embrace while you pray.
-Remember that prayer is simply talking to God. You don’t have to use big theological terms or sound “spiritual.” Just pour out your heart to the only One who can really help.
There’s no right or wrong way to pray as a couple. The important thing is to seek God together, letting Him speak into your marriage and shine light on problem areas. When you make space to pray and discuss what’s on your heart, it can become a new habit that cultivates greater intimacy. Together, you can implement biblical principles, tips, and practices to give your marriage a fresh start. Let today be the day that you get un-stuck and start moving the needle in the right direction.
Prayer:
Heavenly Father, I bring my marriage before You today, asking for the wisdom only You can give. We need help, Lord! Please soften my heart toward my spouse, opening my ears to hear and my eyes to see. Give me patient understanding to empathize with them and allow space for them to communicate what’s on their mind. When things get tense, please calm us by Your Spirit, helping us practice what we’ve learned from Your Word and from others. We truly want to break this cycle of bad communication and step into Your wonderful design for our relationship. Thank You for Your help, Lord. In Jesus’ holy name, amen.
Jennifer Waddle is the author of several books, including Prayer WORRIER: Turning Every Worry into Powerful Prayer, and is a regular contributor for LifeWay, Crosswalk, Abide, and Christians Care International. Jennifer’s online ministry is EncouragementMama.com where you can find her books and sign up for her weekly post, Discouragement Doesn’t Win. She resides with her family near the foothills of the Rocky Mountains—her favorite place on earth.
